There's more to taking and posting photos. Sometimes it wants to convey how one feels. This one? It says, "I may cry like the rain. But someone will dance in it to make me smile again." Something like that.
I read on a book by Paulo Coehlo, "So we should love only those who can stay near us."
I could not relate. It sounded nice, but it ends there.
But love? Nah, I don't think so.
Not now anyway.
3 or less days ago, if I was prompted to write this entry, I would have it entitled "I Feel Blue." But no. Not anymore. I've been saying "Not anymore" to quite a few people and quite a few things that either has had me believing for a while, or food that had me addicted for some time. You know when you felt like something or someone was holding you back? When I feel that way, my chest just tightens. I can't explain why. A heart disease? Or something just normal when you feel it ache?
Whatever.
If my room mate reads this, she'll roll her eyes jokingly saying "Shaaaaa, too emo!"
Haha.
Breaking free? From what?
LIES. WHEN FEELINGS TAKE PART IN A GAME SOMEONE ELSE STARTED. CONFUSION. TEARS. HEARTACHES. GOODBYES.
I hate liars.
I hate people who dupe other people.
I hate actions without words.
And words without actions.
I hate players.
And people who toy with other's feelings.
Or people who thinks everything is just a game.
Maybe leaving other people hanging in midair.
Those who live for the moment, for fun, for experience.
When everyone else just wants to live a decent life.
Jerks.
But I don't hate--
I don't know why.
I'm just not that kind of person.
Instead of grudges, they're just good memories now (I easily forget the bad ones).
For someone studying at a good university, I admit I can be pretty stupid in this category of life.
STUPID.
Was everything just a game?
Until which part was true?
CONFLICTS
Those things you said. The things you did.
WHAT the hell was all that ABOUT?!?
Let me guess. They're NOTHING, MEANINGLESS.
just part of the BIG GAME you're playing?
Wait, what was that word?
Riiiight. FLING! I get it now.
So that was what I was back then: a man's FLING.
Dammit.
Correct me if I am wrong.
I don't want to be misjudging people.
Everyone has their side of the story.
So what's yours?
I feel like I'm a pawn in this game.
No one ever bothers to tell me.
When I try to know what's up, it ends by someone saying "you think complicatedly."
Isn't that because I want to understand? That's why I'm asking, right?
Not because I'm thinking too much.
I believe an intelligible person does that and not just accept and absorb everything that comes her way.
No. I don't think it was only because I was "young and pure" (gaa, whatever).
Because in my book?
I try so hard not to mislead people.
Or to hurt them.
But for crying out loud!
Someone did those things I so DAMN hard want to avoid doing-to me.
I try so damn hard to be sincere with what I say and do.
But LIFE just couldn't help but poke you in the eye even if you didn't do something bad.
And I realized a few things about me in the past few days. Petty things or some things that made me know myself better.
Like, I like to make faces or pout consciously or unconsciously.
It's a mirror of my mood, or of what's going on within my head.
And like even if I already knew that I'm a crybaby, I never exactly knew how much.I can self proclaim myself as the crybaby of the dormitory. Seriously.
Maybe if people knew that, those sensitive enough would be too careful so as not to trigger my tear ducts.
NO. Even if I am like that, I don't want people to take that into consideration. If they care too much, then I might not learn.
Even if sometimes I don't want to shed a tear, I still do. It just flows. And as much as i think of it, I don't really care if I cry in front of the people I talk to. It doesn't make me ashamed. I accept the fact that I am like that.
In my current world, I laugh a lot, cry a lot, scream, have loved and lost, pig out and get diarrhea. I romp in the meadow and dance in the rain. For others, like all the other people my age, I am just a kid. Young and fickle minded. And every other adjective adults or those feeling grown up can think of. Sometimes age isn't the only basis on how grown up one can be.
I've cried buckets to my friends who willingly listen to me or give words of advise. And I'm so grateful to them. When people you think are there but are not, those friends who are true are the ones who will give you a tight hug, when the ones you're running after left you to eat their dust.
I don't hold grudges against people. But I do keep gratitudes.
